Why Therapy Isn’t About “Fixing” the Problem You Think You Have

If you’re anything like me, you like figuring things out and solving problems. You may have approached your own self-awareness/wellness/whatever-other-label-you-want-to-put-on-it journey the same way - find the thing to fix, and well, fix it. If you’ve done any therapy, you may have sat and told the therapist all that you’ve learned and that if this one thing just changed, things would fall into place.

Sound familiar? It makes sense - feeling calm and in control is an understandable goal. No one wants to constantly live in fight-or-flight or to revisit the same problem over and over again. However, in my experience, it’s not that simple. What I’ve found time and again is that my clients are looking for something much deeper than just symptom management.

My clients often come in with the same idea - fix this (e.g., get rid of anxiety, learn to set boundaries) and it will all fall into place. As we work together, it becomes clear that much more is going on - for many, what they’re really looking for is a new kind of relationship - both with themselves and with others.

In therapy, we can explore these relationships, understand past experiences and how they may have shaped your beliefs about yourself and the world, and learn to show up and find meaning in your life without letting uncomfortable experiences take over. 

In terms of relationships with ourselves, many folks I talk to spend so much energy pushing away uncomfortable internal experiences (e.g., anxiety, negative self-talk) that they don’t have space for meaning, connection, and compassion with themselves. In relationships with others, it might look like feeling the drive to please others, or fearing being “too much.” The goal in therapy isn’t to erase these uncomfortable experiences, but actually to learn how to connect with them, understand them better, and show up in your life without letting them take over. Therapy is a space to get curious about where these tendencies come from and how they might be keeping you from feeling genuinely secure in your connections.

So, whether you’re considering therapy or you’re already in it, remember that this process isn’t about “fixing” you. It’s about creating a new relationship with yourself that feels secure and trusting and forming relationships with others that feel aligned with your own personal values.